Hello, poppets. When I joked last time that we’d had five days of sun and therefore that was our summer, I didn’t realise that in fact we were basically crashing into the fucking thing. Crikey, I’m far too pale for this bullshit but what can you do but avoid the cheerful array of skin cancers on offer and get some gaming in? Easier said than done in a summer drought (I’m not even fucking kidding, I maxed out the achievements in Forza Horizon last week for fuck’s sake) but there have been a few things on offer since we last spoke. You look fab by the way, that top really suits you.

“Man I’ve had my eye”
The biggest thing to happen was probably The Last of Us, an action/survival epic that looked rather fabby at E3 2012 and has been gobbling up accolades like a needy Pac-Man. I’ve had my eye on it ever since then and actually went as far as picking up a PS3 last month in order to play it (and start my move into the PlayStation ecosystem in readiness for the PS4).

The problem is that the PS3 has Chime Super Deluxe (a special edition of my favourite Xbox Live Arcade title) and so I’ve done nothing on the machine but play that. It’s fab. So is The Last of Us, at least according to our Tim. He gave it ten out of ten. So it’s almost as good as Chime then.

That most fan-pleasing of Marvel heroes, Deadpool, finally got his own game. As expected, it’s just another comic-flavoured brawler and is getting sixes across the board. Well, except for those daft cunts Official Xbox Magazine who gave it an eight. Still, it looks like fun. Wait for the inevitable price drop. My guess is it’ll be sub-£20 before the end of August.

“be bad and ride”
When a game hits the shelves at a £20 price point straight from the off though, you know it’s going to be bad and Ride to Hell: Retribution, a combat driving game by the bafflingly-unpredictable Deep Silver team, has taken that to the extreme. It’s been a while since a game got ones and twos across the board but apparently this game is borderline unplayable and completely dreadful in all respects. I liked Dead Island more than most but Deep Silver really need to up their game. Besides, combat driving games haven’t been good since Twisted Metal: World Tour on the PS1.

What the world needs now is love. Sweet love in fact. What it probably doesn’t need is another Leisure Suit Larry game but that’s what we’ve got. As ever, the one-step-away-from-being-on-a-register hero of the game is out trying to get laid or something. Fuck, I don’t know. Ask Ed instead, he reviewed it he gave it a very respectable seven. Even if it all seems a bit Stuart Hall.

“lemon and my inner vampire”
Games about vampires are surprisingly rare and the last good one, in my opinion, was the original Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain. But I love me a lemon and my inner vampire film geek fancied a bit of Dark. Now I’ve still got a scar across my face when I was burned by an unholy copy of Vampire Rain, and Dark shares a few things in common with that game (a game that the daft-as-a-badger twat that is me bought brand new for £40 back during a particularly bleak summer drought in 2007).

First it’s a stealth game, and I mean old-school stealth. Guard patrols, security cameras and lots of convenient 90-degree corners to hide around. Second, it reviewed like a James Blunt single. Indeed our own Adam gave it four out of ten citing issues with the game’s repetitiveness and sketchy stealth mechanics. Depressingly, I ended up loving it.

Yes, it’s repetitive. Yes, the AI is a bit sketchy. Yes, the story makes little sense. But the old-school stealth action reminded me of Tenchu and the original Splinter Cell. I’m flattering it a tad but I still enjoyed the game a lot. Especially in the second half when I was a powered up killing machine. I can’t recommend it to anyone (apart from Ric, he’ll love it as much as I love his daft, chewy face) but it’s good. So there.

“mint fuckers where was I?”
For some reason there is a Dynasty Warriors 8. These games are inexplicably popular despite the fact that they are all the same and they go on for fucking hours. I gave up on Dynasty Warriors 7 because I literally thought there was a higher spiritual cost to wasting any more of my life on it. It’s getting the usual respectable scores though, so if you have nothing better to do with 200 or so of your hours on this planet, you can pick it up. But don’t do that. Buy Remember Me instead. I finished it after my previous report and it was consistently wonderful. I can’t see anything else from the current gen toppling it from my number one spot for game of the year.

The one possible contender though is Saints Row IV, which is due in August. I loved Saints Row 3 even more than those coconut Kit Kat Chunky bars that were cruelly taken away from us because the sort of cunts who’d vote for a chocolate bar flavour actually went for mint (fuckers). Where was I? Oh yes, Saints Row IV. Well 2 and 3 were sublime games with the emphasis on FUN FUN FUN rather than all that shit GTA IV had you doing so I’m expecting more of the same and literally couldn’t be more excited.

“coming out and it looks like it might be alright”
New XCOM, Splinter Cell and Lost Planet games also arrive in August, signalling the end of the drought. More interestingly, Killer is Dead, a new action title by the overrated, but occasionally good, Suda 51 is coming out and it looks like it might be alright.

In game news, everybody is focused on the three-way battle between Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo for control of the next gen. Nintendo, of course, shot their load far too early and are now reeling from the news that supermarket behemoths, ASDA, are no longer stocking the Wii-U or any games for it. Your system is fucked, Nintendo. Move on and start making games for the big boys. I’m sure there hasn’t been a new Mario game for at least forty minutes now.

Since last month’s report, Microsoft are doing literally anything they can to claw back a share of the next-gen preorder market. They’ve reversed their stance on pre-owned games and always on internet connections after the gaming community as a whole said ‘go fuck yourselves, Microsoft’ and are still flip-flopping all over the place. Indeed they’ve just announced some sort of self-publishing indie scheme to make them look hip and trendy again. The truth is though that they are still a little toxic over the way they’ve handled the Xbox One.

“Eurogamer though so we’ll stop”
Meanwhile, Sony aren’t really saying anything. Instead they are opting to take the Inspectah Deck position of sitting back and letting Microsoft “play themselves” because he’s the, y’know, Inspectah. There’s still no word on release dates yet though with lots of rumours but no real facts. We’re not Eurogamer though so we’ll stop speculating.

In chart news, there are some unexpected faces in there.

1. Minecraft: Xbox 360 Edition – proving that there must be a lot of people out there who haven’t taken their 360s online. Or are just stupid and don’t know how to use Live. Or are just really fucking smart and haven’t put their payment details on Live.
2. Pikmin 3 – a Wii-U game? At number 2? What?
3. The Last of Us – is it just me or is Betty White getting younger?
4. Animal Crossing: New Leaf - eyestraining fun for children and bronies.
5. Mario And Luigi: Dream Team Bros – I don’t know what this is.
6. FIFA 13 – yeah buy it at full price two months before the next one comes out you fucking palsymeisters.
7. Far Cry 3 – the truth is I never left you.
8. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim – Legendary Edition – relive memories of winter with this, the least good of the Elder Scrolls games.
9. Tomb Raider – the jungle came alive and took him.
10. Lego Batman 2: DC Super Heroes – thirteen hats for the Batman?!

Ugh. The fucking charts depress me yet again. If only there was some way of finding out who they are and making them pay. Credit is a sacred trust, it’s what our free society is founded on. Do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? I said, do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia?

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